*****This is Douglass!*****
So - without going into too much detail - I found myself in need of going to a doctor. I first went to our typical doctor. He told me that I needed to see a surgeon. Now... I like the doctor. But I hate everything else. I don't like his nurse, and I DETEST Tanner Clinic's billing. Obviously, I - of all people - would be picky about this. So when our doctor said that I needed to have a colonoscopy and tried to have a Tanner Clinic surgeon, I said NO!
Now, I tried to find a surgeon that I knew I could trust and that had a billing company I trusted as well. So I decided to go with one of our doctors at Consulmed. He is located out of Brigham City. So, I drove up to Brigham City and met Dr. Bryce and his office manager Sunshine. Yes, her name is actually Sunshine. So he went into very uncomfortable detail of what was going to happen during my procedure.
So, Dr. Bryce gave me a prescription and immediately went into a shpiel about how good the drug was. He even gave me a report by the food and drug administration about it. If took me a while before figuring out that he was telling me all this because the FDA put a "Black Box Warning" on the drug. That is their highest warning level. Now, if Dr. Bryce went to all this trouble of warning me, I guess he trusts it. So I took the drug last Wednesday. I had to take four pills every 15 minutes with eight ounces of water. Then, I had to keep drinking clear liquids all day. I drank cranberry apple and apple cherry juice until they both began to smell like pee. PEE! It was awful! So, the juice I had chosen for myself ended up tasting like something I typically avoid drinking with all-due caution. Then, I was found all day, in one of two places. The couch - or the bathroom. Now, I don't want to go into details. I am, after all, posting this so people will read it. So, let me steal a phrase from Dave Barry and just say that I really agree that during this time, the toilet just might need a seat belt and that "full fire-hose mode" is a very appropriate term. In fact, most of his description it perfect. I don't have a link for it because I am tired and want to post this before the experience is a week old. I must say - Stephanie lovingly make chicken broth for me. I was surprised that I could drink something with so much salty goodness.
Finally the day came. It was Thursday. Stephanie woke up at 5:00. She was terrified that we had missed it. I assured her we were fine and she wen back to bed. We left at 7:00 because of the snow and checked into the Brigham City Hospital. The hospital is small, but what it lacks in size, it makes up for in technology. I made sure I drove. It was my last act with dignity. I thought about drawing an "Exit Only" sign on the small of my back... but I just wasn't sure how Dr. Bryce would take it. (I told Sunshine the other day at work. It took her a whole minute to gain composure enough to ask me her question.)
The nurse had me change into the lovely flowing robes of the hospital. It took me a while to find the upper straps, so I just wandered the changing room wondering why the gown kept falling off. I came out and was put in a large leather Lazy-boy. I sat for a long time. Eventually the nurse came to give me my IV. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I have good veins. I know I have good veins. People in the business regularly comment on my veins. But, apparently when I'm dehydrated, my veins roll. So the poor nurse tried and tried to get the vein in the back of my hand, but couldn't. I wanted to get a picture... but I'm tired. Needless to say, half of my right hand is black and blue... along with a smaller bruise on my arm where she actually got the IV in. Next she had me drink this antacid stuff. I forget why. It tasted like... well... if the grape kool-ade powder and the sour coating of a war-head had a baby, and that baby was in a liquid state for some unknown reason, it would be this antacid. After waiting a while longer, they took me into the dark room. This woman stuck what looked like lotion in my IV and told me that my arm was going to burn. It did. I was going to tell her that... but the next think I knew I was back in the lazy-boy.
Now, I had some major concerns! So I asked Steph is they found any polyps or diverticula. She laughed and told me they found fluffy bunnies. (It was later what she told me I had asked her that question 3 times before.) I will leave the rest of the story to Stephanie. I was unconscious for the remainder of the day...
12 years ago
